Reconciling is one sure way to avoid the pain of going through divorce, but is it a good idea? I’ve written a whole book on this topic that you will want to read if you’re seriously considering reconciliation, but here are a few points to consider.
I hope you won’t just read through this list of questions but pause at each one and carefully weigh your answers.
- What motivates the two of you to reconcile?
- Do both of you want to reconcile, or just one of you?
- Where in the divorce process are you? There are different motivations at different stages.
- Has there been a change in character in one or both of you, or just promises to change?
- Are the two of you capable (with help of course) of creating a new relationship in which you can thrive as new people?
- How can you know that you won’t just recreate the same madness you left?
- Are you prepared to do the hard work of reconciliation?
Reconciling doesn’t happen over night. Time is needed—time to learn what went wrong. Time to learn what went right. Time to express all those various emotions that are involved (realizing that they don’t all show up at once). Time to heal. Time to learn new behaviors and get used to them. Time to build trust again – in both yourself and your partner.
Reconciling before divorce is very different than reconciling after divorce. You will want to learn the differences.Reconciling is as important a decision as divorcing, or even marrying for that matter. Each one has its own things to consider. I realize I’m struggling to write this. There is so much I want to tell you and so little room and heck, I already wrote the book. So I will refer you to Should We Reconcile? and also suggest that you call me for a free discussion to learn if reconciling is right for you, and see what we need to get you set up in the right direction.