This is the fifth post in a series on Sex Before Remarriage.  Checkout the sidebar for a list of all postings.

View Five. The Importance of Knowing: There’s a line in the movie Sister Act where Vinnie says, “I knew her in the biblical sense.” The bible uses the word ‘know’ for sexual intercourse. I think that’s an amazing word to use for sex.  Author David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage) says it takes a long time for us humans to mature sexually… we’re not at our prime right out of the box.  He points out that genital sex is most powerful when we are young but that mature sex requires far more than the genitals…. making genital sex  far inferior to the mature sex that is possible between two people who know each other.  I  am in complete agreement.  I would also add that sexual maturity is hastened by exploring the depths with one sexual partner as opposed to more surface encounters with many.   Because the best sex happens between two people who deeply know one another and share in that intimate space, people in lengthy marriages often have the best sex because they know each other so well.

So what gets mixed up?  We can be so dang hungry for love that we fool ourselves, propounded by media hype, into believing that sex equals love. “If he has sex with me, he must love me, right?” Not necessarily.  Some folks live in eternal loneliness even though they have a string of sexual partners.  Heck, we can live in eternal loneliness in a committed relationship too.   It is emotional connection that makes the loneliness go away. Knowing and being known at the heart level creates the sense of connection. The sex act may calm the symptoms of loneliness – for a time – but it won’t correct the cause of the lack of knowing, within a committed relationship or outside of one.  And like any drug that works with symptoms alone, it must be repeated regularly and the effect diminishes over time.

And besides all that, having sex with someone is a big deal.  It’s not on the same level as eating cereal or taking a bath.  Two universes join when sexual union is created.  DNA is transferred.  Psychic energy is exchanged.  How well do you know this person with whom you are about to create such a union? Have you asked yourself:  Does he have a wife or children? Why is she interested in having sex with me?  Is he safe?  Could my health be compromised by STD’s? How many sexual partners has s/he had? Is there a crazy Ex out there somewhere who might harm me or my kids?  Is s/he a stalker? Not knowing the answers to these questions ahead of time could seriously impact your future.  Remember, as with all things, conscious choices are key.

Next post:  Friends or Lovers?