Are You Equally Matched?
Author’s Note: This is the first article in a series about the question of Sex Before Remarriage. You can read the intro here
To avoid heartache you and your potential sexual partner must have matching sexual values. Discovering unified values requires self-awareness. Once you understand what you want for yourself sexually, talk about it. If you can’t talk about something so intimate, are you really ready to get naked with this person? Without such a discussion all either of you can do is assume and assumptions always cause trouble. Better to be clear.
Another part of being on the same page is timing. As I’ve had the sexual timing discussion with singles I see that there is a large range of expectations. Here are a few:
- Some people want sex on the first date
- Some expect sex before the first month is out, or after X number of dates
- Others want to wait until moving in together.
- Others will wait until marriage.
If it doesn’t feel right to be sexual at this time, say so and hold to it. Don’t compromise yourself and regret it later. Compromising sets the two of you up for resentment later on, and it can cause soul damage to the one who compromises. I’ve counseled many women who weren’t ready for sex but compromised their sexual values out of a fear that the man would leave them if they didn’t. 100% of those women wishes they hadn’t.
- Are you changing direction while in the heat of passion?
- Are you keeping your energy home while you grow and heal?
- Are you questioning if a sexual encounter is in alignment with your future?
- Do you feel bullied or manipulated?
- If you’ve been sexually active do you now want to slow things down?
The Sacred Womb Space
I remind women that their womb is a sacred place and there needs to be high standards of entry. I say remind because I think every woman knows this, but not every woman believes she is, or has the right to be, the guardian of her own womb. The devastation of rape to the soul of a woman is pretty well known. It’s unfortunate that a lot of women don’t realize that having sex when she doesn’t really want to can have similar impact. Be sure you are choosing to have sex because you want it, not because someone wants it for you or with you.
Marriage/commitment can provide a safe place for a woman to freely express her sexuality without fear of being left, replaced, exploited, or hurt physically or emotionally. I would love to know more about how marriage/commitment changes sexual expression for a man. The only thing I’m aware of is that most men feel that committing to one woman limits his choices. I think unconscious sex can leave both men and women feeling used rather than known and valued.
Next post: View Two – The Heart Speaks.