I was in turmoil for nearly two decades. I was “in it” so long I’d come to think of turmoil as normal life. What I didn’t realize is how lost in the weeds I’d been until I recently found myself in a peaceful place. Like the noisy refrigerator in the corner of the room, I hadn’t really noticed the clamoring I’d been living with until it turned off. I’d finally found myself. Are you interested in finding yourself, too?
After so long, I’d gotten used to the pace and “normalcy” of the speeding locomotive I was on. Always rushing, always striving, always running from, and to, the next thing that would, hopefully, calm me down, reduce the fear I lived with, and bring brighter days. But, just like that, the locomotive evaporated (poof) and I find myself off the locomotive and in the middle of a quiet meadow. The silence is stunning. I no longer feel the need to go anywhere or do anything. I am not only invited, I am required, to just be. THAT is where the peace is. I’ve (intellectually) known that BEing is the place of peace, for a long time. Now I know it in my guts.
Know Where You’re Not Going
For the longest time I didn’t know where I was going. My only thought was that “there” had to be better than “here.” Like most of the things I have sought guidance on, (love for example), I’ve spent a whole lot of time learning what they were not. That isn’t the way I wanted to learn, of course. I just wanted “the answer.” Just give me the damn answer! But that’s life, I guess. We get the test before we get the answer. I had to be shown enough of the “what it isn’t” so I could discern for myself what “it” is.
Here are some of the things I found that don’t work:
• being perfect
• controlling outcomes
• having the right answers
• struggle and striving
• seeking the things I, sometimes desperately, thought I needed
• being what others wanted me to be.
Those didn’t work at all. It seemed the harder I tried those things, the worse it got.
What Did Work in Finding Myself?
What I learned that did work is to be okay with myself, as I am, right here, right now. Period. In a deeply selfish act, I went into my heart of hearts and came to grips with the truth of who I am. I now live from deep self-love and self-respect. It has taken that deep love (and a good dose of self-forgiveness) to embrace all of who I am, warts and all as the saying goes.
The Goal of Life
I’ve given up analyzing my life. Trying to figure it out, place blame, take ownership, change it, survive it, be better, heal, become different, be more likable, be what others want, is exhausting. I’ve come to realize that the goal of life is really to accept it as it comes, and the goal for us as individuals is to accept ourselves in the same way. I’m a whole person, not fragments. I can’t keep some parts and leave others. I am both good and bad, light and dark, clueless and wise, selfish and giving. It is all of these sides that make up who I am. There’s a great line in the movie First Night where Sean Connery as King Arthur, says to Richard Gear as Lancelot, “Then I will take you as I find you. I cannot love people in slices.” I finally accept that my life has made me who I am, and it is good. THAT is the meadow.
Doing It The Hard Way
I have sought a ton of help over the years. Therapeutic help, coaching help, help with my health, and many other things. Each one provided movement toward wholeness. I can’t help but think that if I had consulted with someone who knew what I know now at this part in my journey, it could have been easier and faster. If you are ready to play in the meadow I am glad to be your guide.